Read Part 1 HERE.
Bonding with your newborn is another area that is so often misrepresented. We are expected to see our baby for the first time and immediate fall head over heals in love with this tiny person that we’ve never met before, who cannot talk to us and who cannot return any affection. Does it happen? Absolutely! Does it always happen? Nope. And if it doesn't that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It doesn’t mean you are broken. And it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. It just means that some of us take more time to develop that intimate bond with this person that we’ve just met. If you do feel like you’re having a hard time bonding with your baby there are some steps you can take to help facilitate a stronger bond. Skin-to-skin time is great and not just while nursing. Fill up the tub and take a bath with your baby, snuggle on your bed and watch a movie, try to make it something that will be relaxing and enjoyable for you too and soak in the endorphins that skin-to-skin time creates. On the flip side, take a break from your baby. If you’re feeling overwhelmed it can help to step away, leave your baby with someone you trust for an hour or two and go do something you enjoy just for you. It can help you feel refreshed and ready to embrace your time with your baby. Baby wearing can also help you feel closer and more bonded to your baby. Another thing to try is creating some special rituals that you do with your baby. Maybe it’s a certain song that you sing every nap, or taking a few minutes to put lotion on after every bath or those moments that you play peek-a-boo every morning when you get them out of their crib. Nursing can also be a sweet time of bonding between mother and baby. Or, it can feel like pure torture. For some women breast feeding is easy, for others it is a struggle and for some it is “easy” but it is not a pleasant experience. How to feed your baby is fodder for many mommy wars. Sure, we all hear that “breast is best” but is it really? There is no doubt that there are a host of benefits that mom and baby receive from nursing, but we can’t ONLY look at it from a nutritional point of view. There are other things to factor in when deciding what is best for your family like stress levels, medications, comfort, and emotional health to name a few. Nursing can feel completely overwhelming the first few weeks as you and the baby are working to figure it out. If nursing is the route you want to take it helps to set small goals. Aim for 4 weeks, if you get there and you want to keep going try for 3 months, then 6 months. Don’t feel like if you commit you have to commit for 2 years. Continue to evaluate how it is working for you and your family and if at some point you choose to change over to formula feeding your baby will still be well-nourished and well-cared for. Every feeding is still an opportunity to bond with your baby and with bottle feeding your partner can get in on some of the quality bonding time too. And you can feel secure that you are doing what is best for your baby because bottle or breast, a healthy and whole parent is truly what’s best for any baby. One of the best things you can do for yourself and for your family in preparation for your new baby is to put together a list of your support system. Who can you call if you need errands run? What resources do you have for meals, either friends, freezer meals, delivery etc.? Who can you call at 3 am if you feel you're at your wits end and just need to talk? Who is a safe person you can be open with if you feel like you might have postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety? We focus so much on planning for “the big day” but that’s typically all it is. A day. Maybe 2. But by taking some time to plan for those days that come after the big day as well you can help yourself make the smoothest transition possible into parenting with minimal stress and maximum support. Despite what our culture seems to gravitate to, I am a firm believer that we were not meant to parent in isolation. Parenting is beautiful, parenting is messy. It’s ok to love parts of it and to hate parts of it. You will learn things about yourself that will make you proud and things that will make you cringe but just remember to take things one day at a time. Be open to having your expectations challenged and know that there are no perfect parents, just a lot of parents trying their hardest to make the best choices for their family with a few mistakes and a lot of love.
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You have a new baby, congratulations! The first few days postpartum can be filled with a flurry of visitors, helping hands, family and friends fawning over your sweet new baby...but then they leave. And you suddenly find yourself more tired than you ever thought possible, sore in places you’ve never thought you could be sore, scared to poop (yep, I said it) and all with a newborn that they forgot to give you the instruction manual for. Let’s be honest, some women seem to sail through the adjustment to mother with grace and ease making the rest of us feel like losers for not having our act together. But all we know is what we get to see. Maybe they have a fantastic support system, maybe they have a very easy going baby who likes to sleep, or maybe they were in tears just 30 minutes before feeling like they are failing at life but pulled themselves together before we saw that side. Forgive me if this sounds like parenting is completely dismal and grim. That is not my intent. However, I feel there is a grave misconception in our society that we are to love every minute as new parents and that if we don’t there’s something wrong with us. You just gave birth a small human being! Whether you pushed it out vaginally or had a cesarean your body is going to need some time to heal from that amazing feat. It’s ok to pamper yourself for a while, to let others help you out, to let the dishes and the house cleaning slide for the time being. And I’m not just talking a couple of days. If you had a cesarean, you just underwent a major abdominal surgery and it is wise to allow yourself a good 6 weeks of taking things easy. Lift less, do less, give yourself more grace. Vaginal deliveries don’t usually need as much recovery time but your muscles still underwent some serious work and will need time to heal and repair. If you notice an increase in your postpartum bleeding (i.e. lochia) that is a good clue that your are pushing yourself to far too fast. Emotionally, you may be on a more of roller coaster ride than you’ve ever experienced before. Thank you, hormones. Post delivery your levels of estrogen, progesterone and endorphins plummet. Add in some good sleep deprivation and you have the perfect recipe for the “baby blues”. The sudden feeling of wanting to cry for no reason, or feeling completely overwhelmed by the thought of the huge responsibility in the tiny bundle that you are now in charge of. It’s ok. This is normal and it tends to hit 3-4 days postpartum and last for a week or so. Do your best to breathe through it, talk it out, get outside and get some fresh air if you can and it should pass before long. That being said, postpartum depression is also a very real thing and if you feel like what you’re experiencing is more serious than just a case of the blue or it lasts longer than a couple weeks, please, please, contact your care provider. You don’t have to go through that alone, nor should you. Something else I often stress to clients is that we always refer to postpartum depression as a mom problem, but all the emotional stress and sleep deprivation can take a toll on the partners too. Postpartum depression in partners is a very legitimate issue that many people aren’t aware of. Creating some type of safe, judgement free check in system for each other in those first few months can help you identify how you each are handling all the new changes and if anything needs to be adjusted for either you or your partner. To Be Continued... |